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THE KILLER WHALE AS A HOUSE PET by Stayoutof D. Pool
Introduction
When I first began the research for this paper, I had a most difficult time locating the materials needed. One does not simply journey to the local exotic fish store and purchase a killer whale. (I believe that this is because of a lack of killer whale sized plastic baggies for easy transport to your home.)
No, I was faced with the difficult task of locating the whale for sale, and dodging the men with the white coats and backwards jackets at the same time. But, with great determination, I succeeded in purchasing a killer whale and transporting it home.
(Note: I discovered at this point in my research that the proper purchase order in these cases is, vehicle to transport the whale with FIRST, and then the whale itself. It was most difficult to hold the whale in one hand while fishing in my wallet for the correct change to purchase the flatbed truck with the other.)
Home with the whale
Eventually, Fred and I made it safely home. (After carefully considering the whale's seafaring nature, I named it "Fred". I saw a movie once about a sailor named Fred.) I released Fred into the safety of his new aquatic home.
When it rapidly became apparent that a multi-ton killer whale would not fit in the bathtub, however, I found yet another watery hangout for Fred. Our olympic sized swimming pool.
And there Fred remained many happy weeks, splashing contentedly in the shallow end.
I'm not sure what happened to the neighbors. I think Fred ate them when they came over to use the pool one night. At least, their pool toys were on my porch and Fred didn't want any fish for breakfast.
But if anyone sees my neighbors, please tell them to come home. The grass is starting to die in their front yard and there are papers laying everywhere on their front porch.
I'm not sure about him, either. He came around shortly after the local news people did a story showing Fred in my pool. He told me that Fred couldn't stay in the pool.
I told him that I was a scientist, and presented my new credentials (after wiping off the crumbs from the cereal box), and asked him to take a swim with Fred. I assured him that Fred was completely tame.
I think Fred ate him, too.
The end
The conclusion that I drew was that killer whales make great house pets. And as long as you have bothersome neighbors who barge in to use your pool, and nosey wildlife men who like to make trouble, killer whales are not even expensive to feed!
I highly recommend them as gentle and excellent house pets.
